I do not need to be left alone in a haunted house to know how it feels to be alone and scared. I am alone and scared. Abandoned, nonetheless.
It’s overwhelming how one person can make and destroy my life. It has been a month-long battle, yet I don’t see myself recovering or even winning this fucked-up battle. I mean, how does he do it? How does he ‘win’ like this, when I’m the only one who’s fighting? How can he stare at me like that and watch me die? How does he do ALL OF THIS without pain? Or is he really in pain but he has been masking it with his frigidity?
Lord, send me an answer. Please?
It feels like yesterday, we were there, in that spot in my bed and his talking on the other line, my laying on my favourite pillow, talking about our future and what would become of us. But tonight, nothing like that will surely happen. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not anytime in the future.
It’s pathetic how I actually believe he is still there, waiting for me to lay down with him and cuddle. It’s pathetic how every night, I play pretend that he’s still there and we’d wake up the next morning. It’s pathetic—oh, wait, perhaps I’m the one who’s pathetic.
Two weeks ago we have talked about our moving on to our own lives without each other. Two weeks ago we both finally agreed on letting go of each other. “For good”, he always says. Well for me, it is true. It is definitely FOR GOOD.
People say things like, “I’m leaving him for good” because they mean they are leaving one person behind and never coming back. People say things like, “'I’m doing this for good” because they mean they are making decisions for the common good. Well, I think, when he said that he was going to leave me for good, he meant it both ways.
Two weeks ago we were still talking, two weeks ago it feels like it was just a horrible dream. But from the numbers of my waking up, I do not believe all of this was a dream. It is true, two weeks ago, he BROKE us up. Two weeks ago I agreed on letting him go. Two weeks ago I was more stupid than I was right now.
Cruel, how loneliness can make me see nothing but the dark. I have tried several times, sought countless sparks that could help me recover from this loss. But I always end up losing the everyday battle against abandonment.
Friends are there, of course. But I ask you, do they really fill in the spaces in your heart you especially mounted for that single person? It takes awhile to let it all go. It takes a while. A month is not enough for me to forget a 4 year relationship with him. Never have I imagined myself being like this for quite some time, and I think this is it.
I consider them all great. I usually imagine someone ‘moving on’ whenever I ask them how they recovered from their first heartbreak. Them who chose to move on with their lives instead of waiting for their former love to come back. Them who lived after being abandoned by or who have abandoned past lovers. It’s incredible, their strength. It’s admirable, almost envious.
I just wish I was as brave as they were, happy, as they probably are now. All moved-on and content, all moved-on and happy.
But why do I still get that feeling that we will be together, somehow, someday? Why does it still feel like all of this was just a bad bad choice? What is wrong with me?
Why can’t I move on?
I do not know the answer to that. Yet, I have the slightest hunch of someone who does. And I think he knows who he is.
One in a million you are, my dear. I have longed to be with you and I quite miss you. Please come back to me soon.
I will be waiting.
